Is Pornography an Issue in your Relationship?
10 Questions to Discuss with your Partner
Pornography is a common issue in many relationships. While it may feel uncomfortable to address this matter, if you feel that pornography is driving a wedge in your relationship, it is imperative that you bring the subject up and express your feelings to your partner.
The viewing of pornography is a very personal decision for every couple. While pornography may be acceptable for some couples, for others it is strictly forbidden. Likewise, one partner may think that there is nothing wrong with viewing pornography while his partner may find it disturbing. However, many women often feel like they’re being cheated on when their partner views pornography. Men, on the other hand, are usually perplexed by this point of view – they don’t see pornography as cheating, and they don’t understand the Vesuvius of emotions that erupt from their partners in response to their actions.
Before pornography tears your relationship apart (or before it ever becomes an issue in your relationship), you can use these 10 questions to prompt a discussion about pornography with your partner:
- Is pornography acceptable in your relationship? If pornography is acceptable, exactly what does that means?
- Is the viewing of pornography something you want to do together?
- Can you tolerate your partner viewing pornography alone? If so, then how much is okay?
- Are certain types of pornography alright while others are not?
- What exactly does each of you like, or not like, about porn?
- What does it mean to you that your partner wants to look at porn?
- How can you signal your partner if something that initially felt alright suddenly doesn’t anymore?
- Is the partner who views pornography feeling that something is missing from your sexual relationship?
- Is he watching something that he would like you both to try?
- How satisfied are each of you with your sexual relationship?
You each have a right to have your needs met, and how that happens, (especially if you each feel differently about pornography) is important in determining the level of comfort, safety and connection in your relationship. If you are the partner who feels threatened, it’s certainly okay to ask your mate to calm your fears and to reassure you that you are cared for and that he wants the best for you and for your relationship.
Discovering how you each feel about pornography can actually help build a stronger relationship. Often a discussion about pornography leads couples to begin to explore what sexuality means to each of them and to examine the dynamic of sexuality in their relationship.
(Note: If your partner has been viewing pornography for many years and is not able to stop, or if he neglects work, family or friends to focus on pornography, denies the issue despite the evidence, stays up late to view porn on the internet, or maintains a continual air of secrecy about his alone time, he may be addicted to pornography. If this is the case, seek professional support.)
To establish a trusting and strong bond when pornography is an issue in your relationship, communicate how each of you feels about your sexual relationship. Take time to nurture your sexual relationship, and relax and have fun together. Remember the things that originally attracted you to each other. Talk about those things, as well as about how sex was for each of you at the beginning of your relationship and how sex is for you now.
If you can each approach the conversation about pornography without judgment, and with a sense of curiosity about your partner’s viewpoint, you may discover an even greater sense of closeness and understanding between you.
If your partner has been viewing pornography and you would like some help discussing this together, or in rebuilding the connection between you, please contact me for a FREE phone consultation. We can then decide how I may be able to help you as a marriage therapist. I can be reached at: 650 289-9972 or via email at Catherine@catherine-morris.com.
To read other relationship articles click here and learn about all of the ways you and your partner can create a strong and vibrant relationship.
Office located in downtown Menlo Park, California. Serving clients in Palo Alto, Stanford, Atherton, Woodside, Redwood City, Mountain View and Los Altos.
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