Remember the childhood rhythm: Susie and Tommy sitting in a tree
K-I-S-S-I-N-G, first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage. Is it inevitable that the love goes away when the baby comes? Does the spark and excitement of the relationship slip away when there is a little one needing care and attention?
Most people would say that the excitement evaporates in a haze of sleeplessness and dirty diapers, and in some sense that is true. Most couples identify the beginning of the distance that grows between them (and too often threatens to topple the marriage) to the very time that we feel should be full of joy and wonderment.
Too often babies take all the energy that their parents have, and parents forget to focus on themselves and their relationship. It is not selfish to take time to be “off-duty” and be a vibrant adult. Effective parenting is not about total self-sacrifice and self-denial. Children who see their parents enjoying themselves will develop a healthy sense of what adulthood is about, along with what a well-balanced marriage looks like. As children see you relate to your partner in healthy ways, they will develop the confidence to do the same in their relationships.
Managing the Logistics.
This is often one of the most difficult things that couples face. They are so busy with work and the logistics of children that they feel that they are just too tired to nurture the relationship. The good news is that you don’t need to go to Paris or have candlelight dinners every night. You can nurture the relationship by taking some time to be together. It can be as little as 5-10 minutes a day if that is all you can manage. What is important is that you and your partner are carving time out for yourself. Sit together on the couch and hold hands, have a cup of tea or a glass of wine. Talking is not so important, it is simply the act of being together that elevates your relationship to something that is worthy of its own time and space.
Create small rituals such as saying goodbye when one of you leaves the house or saying hello when you return home. Make it a point to look at your partner when you do this, yelling goodbye into the house is not the same as finding your partner as saying it. A great ritual is to say goodnight before bed and give your partner a kiss. Saying “I love you” when ending a phone call is also a wonderful habit to get into. As you can see rituals don’t need to be grand, but they do show your partner that you care about them and the relationship. Be creative and think of some meaningful rituals to strengthen your marriage.
Romance your partner, it will bring a lot of joy to your marriage and to your family.
You can regain some of the energy of your early relationship in fairly easy ways, but you must be willing to change your mindset and take the time for yourselves to refresh the marriage. A wink, a knowing smile, a note left, a text message sent or a gentle touch can go a long way to create connection with your partner. You will be happier; your relationship will be strengthened, and your children will grow into adults who learn that parenting does not need to signal the end of strong and vibrant adult relationships. You will model for them the way to be both a parent and a healthy partner. What a truly wonderful gift to give both your children and your relationship!