Are you or your spouse having an emotional affair that may put your marriage may be at risk?
Many people are unaware of what constitutes an emotional affair. It is common to mistakenly believe that if they are not having sex outside of their marriage, that they are not having an affair. However, if you are getting your emotional needs met by a person outside of your marriage rather than your partner, you are indeed engaging in an emotional affair.
Most people who are having an emotional affair will deny that anything is wrong and will continue in this type of “friendship” without feeling guilty. After all, they’re not having sex with this other person, so they wonder what the problem is.
The problem is that an affair is an affair is an affair! Emotional affairs are a form of deception and a betrayal of trust that can weaken or destroy a marriage. The fact that there is no sexual activity does not exclude this behavior from being an affair.
10 questions to ask yourself to see if you are having an emotional affair:
- Do you keep meetings and conversations secret from your spouse?
- Do you feel a sense of excitement about the secrecy?
- Do you find yourself anticipating a meeting or conversation with this other person?
- Is the time you spend with this friend more rewarding and satisfying than the time you spend with your partner?
- Do you dress up to meet this other person?
- Do you act in markedly different ways with your friend than you do with your partner?
- Do you talk about things with your friend that you don’t feel comfortable sharing with your partner?
- Do you depend on this time with your friend for emotional highs and good feelings?
- Would you feel guilty or uncomfortable if your partner saw the two of you together?
- Is there a sexual attraction or flirtation happening between the two of you?
Although most people are not looking for an affair when a friendship begins, it is easier than you may think to get involved in an emotional affair and keep it going. For example, people who work and travel together for business can easily develop relationships based on their shared experience of work. Additionally, social networking sites make it a breeze for people to reconnect with friends from years past, as well as to find new people who may share common interests not shared by a partner. Intimacy can quickly deepen due to the ease of communication that we now have by being able to text, email, phone, or send an instant message to another person anywhere in the world.
The hallmarks of an emotional affair are dependence upon a third person to feel good and the need to maintain secrecy around the friendship. It is okay to have a good friend, but if your dependence on the good feelings you experience with a friend grows stronger, know that the risk of an affair rises.
The Road to Recovery
Not getting involved in an emotional affair begins by being aware of your actions and thinking ahead. People often slip into an emotional affair without even realizing it. Be honest with oneself when thinking about the dynamics of the relationship with this other person. Notice if you are flirting or being flirted with, or if you would feel uncomfortable inviting this friend to spend time together with your partner. If the friendship is, indeed, innocent you should be comfortable having your spouse with you as well. Being in a group of people can also help guard against sliding down the slippery slope of an emotional affair.
If you are not feeling connected or loved by your partner, it is much easier to begin to look outside for what you are missing. Connections with others outside of your relationship that fill these needs become important. If you discover that you are having an emotional affair, think about what you are getting from this other person that you are yearning for in your marriage. Speak to your partner about what is happening so that you can begin to explore this situation together. If you are wanting to stay in the marriage it is important to expose this dynamic so that you can heal the hurts and the rift that has grown. If it isn’t possible to have this kind of conversation with your partner, seek professional support so you can explore your feelings in a safe setting. The friendship will need to be ended to help you to learn to develop the same feelings that you were getting outside in the marriage. This can prove to be challenging as we often don’t want to let go of what gives us comfort.
Being open and honest with your partner will start you on the road to recovery. Working with a couple’s therapist is highly recommended due to the deep level of betrayal and hurt that often occurs after an emotional affair has taken place.
Take responsibility for your actions, you can get your relationship back on track with some effort and support! It is possible to heal the hurts when both people are willing to allow themselves to be honest and vulnerable. This can feel like a daunting task but with good support and the guidance of an experienced therapist it is indeed possible. Relationships can get stronger once couples are walking this path together.