A Hindu saint and his disciples were visiting the Ganges River, where they found a group of family members on the banks shouting in anger at each other. Turning to his disciples, the saint smiled and asked, ‘Why do people in anger shout at each other?’
His disciples thought for a while. One of them finally said, ‘Because when we lose our calm, we shout.’
‘But, why should you shout when the other person is just next to you?’ countered the saint. ‘You can just as well tell him what you have to say in a soft manner.’ His disciples thought about it some more, but could not come up with a satisfactory answer. Finally the saint explained,
‘When two people are angry at each other, their hearts distance a lot. To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other. The angrier they are, the stronger they will have to shout to hear each other, in order to cover that great distance.
But what happens when two people fall in love? They don’t shout at each other but instead talk very softly because their hearts are very close. The distance between them is either nonexistent or very small. And when they love each other even more, what happens? They do not speak; only whisper and they get even closer to each other in their love. Finally they even need not whisper, they only need to look at each other and that’s all. That is how close two people are when they love each other.
So when you argue, do not let your hearts get distant, do not say words that distance each other more, or else there will come a day when the distance is so great that you will not find the path to return.’
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This beautiful parable says so much about what happens when we find ourselves in a cycle of anger with our partner. Our hearts close and we lose sight of the fact that the person that we are so angry with is the person that we have chosen to spend our life with. We feel so far away from them we shout to cross the chasm and try to reach our partner’s heart. The good news is that you don’t have to get to the point where the distance is so great that you lose sight of each other and can’t find your way back to each other.
In Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy we use a “map” to help couples slow down the cycle of reactivity that keeps them stuck and so far away from each other. We fill in the steps in the negative feedback loop that has emerged. Once we help couples to be able to identify the patterns of action/reaction they can slow things down and interrupt the cycle. But the work needs to continue. It is not just a matter of stopping the cycle, it is about going below the surface and truly understanding what is driving the reactivity.
Many people shy away from the word “Emotion”, but we are in fact emotional beings. We are wired to survive, and survival is all about emotion. We don’t stop to think about things when we are faced with danger (be it a wild animal or an upset, raging partner) we react! Fight, Flight, or Freeze- these reactions are what help us to protect ourselves when we sense danger. The issue is that these reactions don’t always serve us well when the danger we are reacting to is our partner. Reacting from our natural survival place keeps the cycle going around and around.
Below the surface we find the truth about what drives our reactive behaviors. Deeper feelings may be about fear of not being loveable, of being left, of feeling shame, or of not feeling worthy of love. We all have these feelings (or ones like it). These vulnerable feeling leave us feeling exposed and we will push them away and stand in our defensive posture (protest or withdraw). But when we can share these feelings with our partner, we see a miraculous shift in the relationship. Partners soften when they understand that the anger or withdrawal is about fear or shame. People can reach for each other to comfort and connect when they truly understand what their partner is trying to communicate.
Think about this beautiful parable next time you are upset with your partner and remember that you don’t need to shout to be understood. You can lean in, speak softly and truly express what you need and are feeling. Speaking to each other is what will bring you both closer together and strengthen your love.