The Power of Forgiveness
No matter how hard you try, at some point in your relationship you are going to feel hurt by something your partner said or did. You may be lied to, misunderstood, or feel rejected. If not addressed, these hurts will lead you further away from the loving relationship you want and keep you locked in the past.
For healing to occur, you must have the opportunity to express your pain and hurt. This is not the time to blame your partner or punish them for what they’ve done; this is a time to speak about your pain openly and clearly. How did it feel to be betrayed? What did this do to your sense of self and your feeling of safety within the relationship?
As difficult as it may be, it is important that the offending partner not justify or defend their behavior but merely listen and acknowledge the hurt that has been inflicted. Help your partner to understand that being a good listener will help heal hurt feelings, as well as help to re-establish the ability for you to trust one another again.
If you were the betrayer, take responsibility for your actions. Express regret and remorse for the actions that caused your partner to feel wounded. See the blog post about the Art of Apology to master this skill.
Forgiveness is a big key to a successful relationship. Forgiveness does not mean that you need to condone the behavior. Forgiveness involves letting go of the need for punishment, retribution, and giving up the feeling of wanting to hurt your partner for hurting you. This allows you both to let go of the toxic feelings and develop healthy ways of being in relationship.
Forgiveness Is Not:
Condoning poor behavior,
Convincing yourself that things are fine and returning to an abusive situation,
Unconditional love without boundaries or accountability,
Denial that a hurtful situation exists or that your feelings are hurt.
Forgiveness Is:
Being able to let go of the anger and despair surrounding a hurt,
Taking responsibility for soothing one’s own feelings,
Acting in an effective and responsible way toward one’s partner,
Taking care of yourself in healthy ways so you can move forward in your life.
When you forgive, you take back a sense of yourself as being loveable and worthy. Ultimately, forgiveness is a choice that we each need to make for ourselves, and not necessarily for our partners. Forgiveness is more about finding peace in our own lives after a difficult event so that you can look to the future rather than remaining stuck in the past.