How To Communicate Effectively with the People in your Life
It is not uncommon for people to have problems communicating effectively. In fact, it is the #1 issue that most people say they want to change in my therapy practice. Typically, people react quickly to each other when something happens that upsets them. These hasty, unthinking responses once started, will often set off a chain of reactions that can quickly turn into an argument. People may do or say something hurtful that would not happen in a calmer moment. In other words, when you are feeling distressed, you often act in a way that is the opposite of what you may really feel.
Reactive behaviors may include:
Blaming the disagreement on the other person,
Becoming angry and raising your voice,
Disengaging or withdrawing from the other person,
Whining, nagging or bullying,
Denying that there is a problem.
When something happens that hurts you, your brain stores these past painful experiences to help you avoid repeating them in the future. Some of these painful memories are so embedded in your brain that you react unconsciously to current situations that mimic these past experiences. Your brain becomes hard-wired like a computer to automatically react to situations that remind you of past painful ones.
Developing insight into the emotions and resulting behaviors that get triggered by another’s behavior helps you to become aware of what that behavior symbolizes or represents for you as well as the beliefs and attitudes that you have about it. Becoming mindful of your behavior and the actions that you automatically take when “triggered” will begin the “re-wiring” process in your brain.
It is extremely important and quite powerful to have an agreement to share your triggers with the important people in your life. Expressing your own concerns and being open to listening to their concerns builds a bridge towards understanding each other more deeply. This understanding alone can help you to begin to control your own reactions and communicate more appropriately. You can then practice new and healthy patterns of communication and not be simply reactive when you get upset.
Over time as you continue to engage in new, positive behaviors, you will re-train your brain to respond in healthier, more conscious ways. You will reprogram the connections between the neurons in your brain and create new positive patterns of behavior. You’ll learn to make healthy choices when you are in a conflicted situation with someone instead of mindlessly reacting. Surprisingly, as you make these changes the other person will begin to make changes so that a positive cycle of communication will grown between you.