Influencing Your Partner to Change
In any long-term relationship, it is inevitable that there’ll be a behavior that irritates us about our partner. The reality is, however, that we can’t force or nag them into changing that behavior. We can learn to encourage them to change if we approach a conversation in a gentle empathic way. Ideally, they’ll make the change because they want to please us and not because they feel coerced or shamed.
Begin by selecting one behavior that your partner does that annoys you. This behavior should be one with the best chance of your partner responding to your discomfort. The behavior should be relatively easy to have a successful outcome, such as putting dishes in the sink (or dishwasher) and not leaving them in the living room.
Invite your partner to sit with you and let them know that you have something that you’d like to address. Describe the problem in clear, concise detail. For example: “There is a problem I’d to discuss with you. When you come home from work and start reading the mail or changing your clothes you tend to drop things on the table or floor when you are finished with them. I find it frustrating that there are piles of your things around the house.” Let them know that you would like to find a way to work together to resolve this issue. This can be your support for your partner “Thanks for picking up your clothes” or something concrete like having a basket near-by that they can drop their things into.
Next let them know what your reaction to the problem is. For example: “When I see these piles I feel that you are only doing what is convenient for you. I feel like a maid who will clean up after you. I understand that I am making assumptions about your actions. This makes me feel frustrated, and resentful. When I feel that way I can become chilly toward you and not inclined to show any spontaneous signs of affection. I don’t like how I react to these piles, but I see that that is what I have been doing.”
It is important to let them know that your response is to the behavior and not to them as a partner. When you tell them how you react to the behavior you allow your partner to understand how this leaves you feeling (not feeling loved, respected, or valued). Remember that there is a negative feedback loop that has been created by each of your behaviors. Feedback loops are on autopilot, and it is easy to not even realize the pattern that you both have fallen into. You each have a way to help the other person feel more connected and secure in the relationship.
Tell your partner why you think it may be hard for them to change the undesired behavior. This lets them know that you have an appreciation for what you’re asking them to change. For example, “I understand that you feel depleted from work when you get home and don’t want to do anything more in the evening. I think that perhaps this request seems like a lot for me to be asking of you”.
It is also very important to let your partner know how you will work to change the way that you respond to the behavior. When your partner sees that you are working to change your ineffective response toward them, they will be much more motivated to make the change that you are requesting.
Be curious about their reaction to your request. Be mindful not to jump to anger if they say they can’t do it. You might ask if this is a temporary or more permanent condition. If it seems that there will be no change for now, let them know how you think and feel about this. Ask your partner if they are willing to discuss it at another time and find a way to resolve this so that you both feel good about it.
If your partner continues to resist the change look at different ways that you can react to what is happening in a more helpful way for yourself. It may not seem fair but you need to be sure that you are not contributing more to the problem with your response.