Attachment in Adult Relationships

Attachment is generally thought of in terms of parents and children.  A child needs to feel that they are “seen” and comforted by their caregiver when they are in distress.  Research has discovered that the concept of attachment in adult relationships is equally important.  It is a bit different than that of a parent and child.  A parent doesn’t expect their child to reciprocate a sense of safety, but a partner looks for that reciprocity (even if they are not aware of it).  Adults need to feel that a relationship offers safety and security to be able to have a richer, positive sense of self and other.  Adult relationships also have a component of intimacy.  Here too we see that the need for safety and security determines just how comfortable the intimate relationship is.  “No safety, no sex” is a common refrain within adult relationships.

At the very heart of an adult relationship is the question “Are you there for me?”  Can I count on you to be physically there if I am in need, can I count on you to be there for me emotionally?  Can you acknowledge my need for safety and security in our relationship so that I can feel free to show my true Self?  Can this safety allow me to explore the world and find my place in it?  In relationships each partner’s accessibility and responsiveness to the other’s emotional cues determines whether there is a sense of a secure base from which to move out into the world.  

Distressed relationships lack this sense of safety and secure attachment.  Isolation, separation, or disconnection from one’s partner is inherently traumatizing.  Emotional disconnection leads people to become immersed in fear and insecurity.  The brain reads as “dangerous” the actions of the partner when a deep need isn’t met and because of our hardwiring to survive, we adopt a stance of fight, flight, or freeze.

The reaction to a partner’s behavior elicits a response which forms a feedback loop. When the response is negative the feedback loop (cycle) leads to a breakdown of the bonds between partners.  The more distress and hopelessness there is in the relationship, the more automatic, rigid, and self-reinforcing the emotional and behavioral responses are to one’s partner creating a negative cycle.

Each time a partner fails to respond in a time of great need, a sense of panic and insecurity grows until over time a couple can become caught in a deeply entrenched cycle of attack and defense.  These cycles are fueled by anger, sadness, longing, shame and fear and create reactive behaviors and misperceptions.

Securely attached partners tend not to go deeply into a negative cycle and can effectively exit from whatever negative cycle they get caught in.  Rather than move to a reactive stance they reach for each other.  With practice these couples have come to understand and use the tools needed to create safety in the relationship.  They have learned to express exactly what it was that upset them or triggered them.  Partners can regulate their emotional distress and can send clear signals of their needs.  Securely attached couples can trust and accept comfort and reassurance from each other. Moments that are defined as unsafe or insecure can be identified and responded to.  Couples can reflect on their experience and create integrated, consistent narratives about their relationship.  These behaviors create a positive cycle which is the hallmark of a healthy couple.   

In short, in securely attached couples there is an ability to discuss a perceived breach of connection without causing a negative attack/withdraw cycle to begin.  There tends to be more open and direct communication and a tendency to disclose more of themselves to their partner.  There is more attunement to the other’s needs and a deeper sense of empathic support for the partner.  Communication is both respectful and collaborative.  The couple has created a new story of their relationship based on positive cycles and healthy attachment.