Is Pornography an Issue in your Relationship?

Pornography is more common in relationships than many of us realize. It may feel uncomfortable to address but, if you feel that it is driving a wedge in your relationship, it is imperative that you bring the subject up and express your feelings about it.

The viewing of pornography is a very personal decision for every couple. One partner may think that there is nothing wrong with it while their partner may find it disturbing.  Many women often feel like they’re being cheated on when their partner views pornography. Men, on the other hand, are usually perplexed by this point of view – they don’t see pornography as cheating, and they don’t understand the range of emotions that erupt from their partners in response to their actions.

You each have a right for your needs to be met, and how that happens.   To do so it is important to determine the level of comfort, safety and connection in having pornography have a role in a relationship.  We all need to be reassured about the safety of our relationship.  If it feels that pornography is creating a feeling of discomfort and lack of safety, ask for your fears to be calmed and to be reassured that you are cared for and that both of you are working toward what is best for the relationship. 

Discovering how you each feel about pornography can help build a stronger relationship. Often a discussion about pornography can be quite uncomfortable and distressing for a couple to have.  However, this can lead a couple to begin to have a frank discussion about what sexuality means to each of them and to examine the dynamic of sexuality in their relationship.  This can bring a couple together in a way that is stronger than ever before. 

To establish a trusting and strong bond when pornography is an issue, begin by communicating about how each of you feels about your sexual relationship. Take time to nurture your sexual relationship, relax and have fun together. Remember the things that originally attracted you to each other. Talk about those things, as well as about how sex was for each of you at the beginning of your relationship and how sex is for you now.

If you can each approach this conversation without judgment, and with a sense of curiosity about your partner’s viewpoint, you may discover an even greater sense of closeness and understanding between you. 

Here are some questions that you can use to begin a conversation about sexuality and pornography.  Take it slow and discuss one question at a time.  If you try to go too quickly one or both of you may become overwhelmed and the discussion will stall out and may grow into an argument.  If it becomes too uncomfortable to have this conversation you may need to work with a therapist to help you to navigate the feelings that will arise as you address each of these questions.

·     Is pornography acceptable in your relationship? If so, exactly what does that means?

·     Is this something you want to do together or do you see it as a private endeavor.

·     Are certain types of pornography alright while others are not?

·     What does it mean to you that your partner wants to look at porn? 

·     How can you signal to your partner that something that initially felt alright suddenly doesn’t anymore? 

·     Is the partner who views pornography feeling that something is missing from their sexual relationship?

·     How satisfied are each of you with your sexual relationship?

(Note: If your partner has been viewing pornography for many years and is not able to stop, or if they neglect work, family or friends to focus on pornography, denies the issue despite the evidence, stays up late to view porn online, or maintains a continual air of secrecy about their alone time, they may be addicted to pornography. If this is the case, seek professional support.)