The Negative Cycle of Relationship Distress
When there is a deep connection in a relationship there is a sense of love, trust, and security. The couple knows intuitively that they can reach for the other when there is either a physical or emotional need. They know that their partner has their back. When, however, it is difficult to communicate one’s true feelings and needs, partners respond with defensive, reactive behaviors. This shift in communication reverberates through the foundation of the relationship and becomes fixed in fear and misunderstanding.
In Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) we call this the negative cycle. It takes the shape of an infinity sign because the action/reaction cycle will be on autopilot. The negative cycle will continue indefinitely miring the couple in hurt, fear, and anger.
The most vulnerable emotions and needs for contact, safety and connection are “hidden” from view when a couple is caught in the endless negative cycle. The narrative for the relationship becomes negative which doesn’t allow either partner to really hear or see the truth beneath what is being done or said. They are reacting based on their own fears and insecurities. A couple can be so caught in this negative communication cycle that they lose the ability to trust that their partner has their best interest at heart. Couples get ensnared by this cycle and often forget what they are arguing about. Their brain is feeling “panic” that their partner is not there for them, and they react in a way that protects them from the perceived threat. They are reacting in their own survival style. Each person is left feeling hopeless and alone in the relationship.
Couples can find their way out of this negative cycle and learn to create a strong, secure relationship based on trust and openness. EFT will help to guide a couple through difficult conversations by slowing things down and helping each partner to be open to hearing what the other partner has to say. There doesn’t need to be agreement but a willingness to work together to find a solution that works for each person. A new dynamic of trust, confidence and hope becomes the new foundation for the relationship. Couples become empowered to turn toward each other to explore misunderstandings and create a positive cycle based in security and honesty.